Current Weight: 287.9 lbs
Weight Loss: +.1 lbs
Total Weight Loss: 9.6 lbs
Here we are. Week 4! Time flies when you are having fun! As you all might have noticed, I gained again this week. 1/10th of a pound. However, lets look at the whole of these last 4 weeks. On average, healthy weight loss is considered at about 2 lbs per week. I AM NOT MAD. I am right where I need to be. Have I screwed up? Yep! Have I beaten myself up over it? Yep! Have I told myself to move forward? Hell Yeah!
Here is something you may or may not know about me. I am EXTREMELY hard on myself. I am super quick to give up on ME. If my friends and family are having a hard time and wanting to give up or give in, I am their BIGGEST cheerleader. Why? Because its who I am as a person. When it comes to Me? I am very very very hard on myself. It is so much easier for me to take that spotlight and put it on others, then it is for me to stand in it. Ever wonder why you don't see pictures of me on vacations and trips? It isn't just because I don't like what I see in those pictures, but because I want to capture as many memories and moments of the people I love and care about so much more then capturing my own moments. I am going to post a few pictures of me below. Pictures that others have taken, mainly my husband, that make me feel one way or another.
Me and My Mini Me.
I can honestly say this is one of my most favorite pictures of me and my girl.
This picture is one that William took after my best friend, Cherie's, wedding!
Me and My BFF Cherie. Ocean City. A long time ago!
This picture makes me feel all sorts of ways! It was taken by my best friend Denise's husband, David, at one of Chi's birthday parties over the last few years. Denise is by far one of the most amazing people I have ever met and I am extremely grateful that God put her in my life. She pushes me to step outside my comfort zone and do things that scare me. Like go tubing...behind a boat being driven by my Father. Who's sole purpose that day was to get Denise and I thrown off that tube!
He succeeded!
This photo was taken by Denise. This was her Christmas gift to me, which hangs on my laundry room door! Proudly! I don't like the way I look. And you can tell I am obviously uncomfortable having a camera pointed at me.
This was Will and I's first Christmas together. 2001! My Mom took this photo. Its a photo that I actually like.
Will took this one. We were at a horse show and he just felt the need to take a picture of me. Its another one I like. Mainly because my hair looked great! LOL
Will sent this one to me the other day with the note "This is my favorite picture of you" Truth be told, I think I look awful. I focus on the things I see wrong. My smile is terrible. My forehead looks huge. My hair is weird. My eyes are different sizes. Give me any picture of me and I will pick it apart. But its HIS favorite picture of me. Albeit he doesn't have too many to choose from, but its his.
Why did I post these? Because I need to start realizing that it doesn't matter what I think I look like. What matters is how I feel inside. You know how I felt in all of these photos? I felt confident. I felt sure of who I was. I felt beautiful. I felt loved. I felt...like me. Over the last um-teen years I have lost and found myself multiple times over. I have lost and found myself because I let myself go to take care of others and when that task was completed, I had to find myself again. Its who I am as a person and I know and understand that. I can't change who I am. But I can give more of myself, to myself.
This last week has been weird. Let me give you guys a glimpse into the world of my weight.
Thur 6/18 - 287.8
Fri 6/19 - 289.6
Sat 6/20 - 290.3
Sun 6/21 - 291.0
Mon 6/22 - 291.7
Tue 6/23 - 291.4
Wed 6/24 - 288.1
Thur 6/25 - 287.9
Did I eat things I wasn't supposed to? Sure I did. Did I eat enough of those things to cause such weight fluctuations? Obviously I did, although I didn't think I did. I try very very hard not to blame my weight issues on some of the medical issues I have. I feel like if I did, I would just use them as a crutch and then I would get absolutely no where. But the bottom line is this. I do have medical issues that contribute not only to my weight gain but also to my ability to function on some days. I try very very hard to push through and do what I know I need to do and sometimes the outcome of that push is great. But most of the time, it ends up kicking me in the ass.
I am going to be extremely honest here folks. It has been weighing very heavily on my mind that I wont be able to do much of anything when we go on vacation this year. My back is more often then not, not happy with me. The fibromyalgia has gotten...bad...worse...excruciating some days. The pain in my feet, genetic, is sometimes so overwhelming just the thought of standing on them sends me into fits of nausea. Do I know that a lot of my pain is from my weight? Yes. Do I also know that I have pain in my back, feet, shoulder blades, abdomen and joints due to severe medical issues that can not be resolved JUST by losing weight? Yes. I do. Will losing the weight help with the pain? Yes. Will losing the weight completely eliminate the pain? No. It wont. Does that make me feel like this whole weight loss plan is a bunch of crap and completely useless? Sometimes, yes. But at this point, I just want to feel better. That is what this is all about.
If I am being honest, I don't really give 2 shits about the number on the scale. Its just a number. It doesn't define WHO I am. I define who I am.
This has shown up in my news feed like 20 times this morning and I saw it fitting to share it here!
I'm not going to talk about recipes or what I ate this past week. Maybe next week I will be disciplined enough to take pictures to share with you. This week, not so much.
I am having lunch with my amazing Mama today. I am thoroughly enjoying my lunch dates with her lately. This whole COVID-19 situation is wreaking havoc on lots of people in lots of different ways. But I am grateful that she drives all the way to my office each week to spend time with me.
I hope you all have a great next week! I look forward to hearing all of your updates!
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